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Then and Now
 Written by Amy H.
(Hope Family Center resident) – January 2007
Twenty years into knowing Christ as my savior, I found myself at an amazing and all too familiar place -- an extreme rollercoaster of the mind, with killer nosebleed highs and crash rash lows. How in the world did I end up on this ride? I must have thought of how I deserved a bit of fun and totally missed the sign on the side with the big red letters that read, “Stopping Point Not Included,” or maybe in asserting my thriftiness, I got all excited about the “FREE to a good person,” ticket and ‘woohooed’ myself into the coaster. How could I fall for such a ride and how did I get there in the first place?
For years, I had been stuffed with so many negative emotions that I began focusing on my anxiety/depression galore, and in doing so, became unbelievably impulsive in my late teens. Of course, that resulted in more troubles, making it even easier to make increasingly lousy choices, the worst being, losing the joy of His salvation shortly after receiving it. How could God allow His child to get so lost, confused, angry, and afraid? It was a problem and in being young and aggravated, blaming God seemed easier than working through every trouble, and He took it better than I did. It was my understanding that the Lord was full of mercy and grace. The Lord always gave me freedom to choose to make those bad choices … and then He waited on me.
Our God has incredible timing and in His timing, He is Holy. During His waiting on me, the Lord lavished me with His mega-mercy and grace. His hope and love surrounded me. He watched my every move; He saw my self-created peace in the decision to marry when I knew it was wrong. He then saw my husband physically abuse me and how that created regular spikes of fear for over 16 years. He saw the ugly results of that fear and He saw the difficulties in raising children in a home that didn’t prove to be Godly. Nevertheless, the Lord protected me (and my family), regardless of where I was with Him. He whispered in my ear, tapped me on the shoulder, called my name, cried for me, and He carried me. He gave me strength when I needed it and He took my strength when I needed it taken. He saved my life as He prevented my death and He comforted me through it, every single time. He gave me everything I needed in Him because I lacked it in myself. I was calling Christ my Savior and neglecting Him as my Lord, and still He never left me. Then when I was still enough, He showed me that I was not wearing the whole armor of God. Ephesians 6: 11Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. (KJV)
The Lord made it very clear—with a fresh start that allowed me the opportunity to walk through the doorway of Hope Family Center in February 2005—that my decisions were finally on track. He has shown me, repeatedly, since that time that I am on the way down the path that He has provided me with! The Family Center has been a tremendous tool created and used by the Lord in building me up, allowing for time to heal, rest, grow, and learn more about His ever-increasing desire for me to walk with Him, day by day, second by second. Fear, anxiety, and depression are no longer the driving forces in my life as I’ve learned to ask the Lord to work in me and through me. Now, after 23 months, I’m thrilled to have been welcomed here, to have been able to stay, and to be moving out as I’m seeing more of myself and my children in His great light.
He has shown me, through some amazing staff and residents, how I can allow Him to turn my “Aaauuuggghhs!!!” into “Ahhhhhhhhhs…” God has shown His love for me by giving me a history all my own – from tragic to tremendous.
I would do it all over again to get to where I am now. To God be the glory!
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